Grant's Rants

my brother sent this to me, I think it's about as bad as the bears one..

bro: awwww..poor grant http://break.com/index/asian_boy_heart_broken.html

I find it ironic though, that this video is right above this one
http://www.break.com/index/older_brothers_suck.html

I'm driving by the Kit Kat Club, which is exactly what it sounds like, a strip joint that is basically 3 blocks from where I live.

my brother: I don't understand why there are always so many cars outside the Kit Kat club
me: why not? anyway there are like 10 cars there, that's not that many cars
brother: no, there's at least 25 cars there
me: no way, there's like only 10
brother: you want to bet?
me: fine, what's the bet?
brother: i dunno...
me: is this even worth going back for to just check?
brother: well, fine just do it for pride...so is this like a price is right thing, b/c I'm going to bet there are 11 cars there
me: no you have to do it fairly
brother: fine whoever is closest
(make a u-turn)
me: ugh, I can't believe we're going back to check how many cars are at the strip club. And I just made an illegal u-turn. How do you think this would make for an explanation.. "Hi Officer, I had to make a u-turn b/c we wanted to count how many cars were at the strip joint"
brother: don't worry, it's a residential neighborhood you can make u-turns like that
me: fine whatever...
(turns into kit kat club parking lot)
me: ok start counting
jason: 1 2, 3 . ... 18.. 19...
me: aww fuck you win...damn I can't believe we actually wasted our time doing this.
jason: see I told you there were 25 cars...
me: well fine, so there are 25 cars, so why does it surprise you that there are that many cars at a strip joint. We're in Silicon Valley. Does it really surprise you that there are at least 25 lonely horny guys in Silicon Valley tonight?

So I'm going to meet some of my cousin's friends...

me: Oh I know what I can do ...I can go wear a fannypack
cousin: you serious?
me: no...fannypacks are retarded....they can make the coolest person ever look dorky..i mean if Kobe Bryant wore a fannypack, he would look like a bigass dork.
cousin: why do you not like fannypacks? Is it because they're not actually on your fanny?
me: no, anyway what else would you call it?
cousin: a penispack
me: well that wouldn't work b/c women don't have penises
cousin: crotchpack
me: that sounds gross

me: so I notice there's a special for $49 you can lose 15 lbs
gym salesman: oh right yeah you get a personal trainer and they help you lose 15 lbs
me: so is that guaranteed?
gym salesman: oh no no..you can lose you know..up to 15 lbs..so you might lose less than that...
me: umm.......so it's $49 for 15 lbs but you could lose nothing and maybe up to 15 lbs.....
GS: well you know why do you want to lose 15 lbs anyway? You don't gotta lose 15 lbs
me: well I'd like to...
GS: is it the fat here? (grabs love handles)
me: yeah, sure
GS: man, the ladies love that stuff..I got some of it..you don't need to lose 15 lbs...
me: right...

me: I need to get more pants that are like this? See how smooth it is...where can I get pants like this?
steve: we can go to gilroy
me: yeah but see how these are smooth, not like my dockers which are cotton...
steve: yeah the outlet stores shoudl have them
me: yeah but notice how these are different...the texture
steve: i'm not going to touch your leg if that's what you're asking
me: Hey man, it's not like you're getitng any other leg
(pause)
steve: I don't think that makes it any more appealing

Joe is talking to John about how his gf didn't want to get back together with him

john: so do you think you're ok with it?
joe: yeah, it was the best decision to make
tony: wait, he didn't make a decision
joe: you fucking bastard

I was going to throw away my fortune cookie b/c I didn't feel like eating it.

joe: look open your damn fortune cookie
me: but I don't want it
joe: you don't have to eat it. I'll eat it for you, you should at least open it. My fortune was "follow your instincts" and my instinct is that you should open your fortune cookie.
me: fine
(opens fortune cookie)
me: "Work is either fun or drudgery. It depends on your attitude. I like fun" What? That's not a fucking fortune. That sounds like something my mom would tell me. Only CHinese people could come up with nagging cookies.

So Joe and I were throwing some trash out in the trash receptor and there was this sign that said you can't throw furniture into the trash receptacle.

me: why can't you throw that stuff in?
joe: b/c they can't fit
me: but there's a bed in there
joe: Yeah I don't know how that got there
me: I mean the whole isn't even big enough for the bed to fit in. I mean David Copperfield must've put that in there. Or maybe David Blaine. It's David Blaine right?
joe: yeah he's the guy that like stayed in that box
me: what? wasn't he the guy that was like in that fish tank?
joe: yeah I think he did that also. I think he was in a box who knows
me: Fine whatever, but how the hell is that magic? I mean he's just sitting in a stupid tub of water. And it's not like the magic that his fingers don't turn non crinkly or magic that he comes out looking fine. I mean, he freaking has to be taken to the hospital after he is taken out of the stupid tub of water...
joe: maybe the magic is that he has so many people thinking it's magic

This is posted on the xanga also, but here's the background

Mark: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcLn2OnGrd4
Me: thanks. You're so mean
Mark: how so?
me: b/c you're clearly referring to me
mark: you know everything is about you, excuse me for shairng a funny clip
me: sorry, i thought you were referencing my bears
mark: i forgot you had bears. You think they'd do that?
me: NO!
mark: LOL

friend is on the phone with his gf which I can' t hear the other side of again.

friend: hey babe...no..yeah I won't have dinner with you...(pause)...yeah ..I kinda accidentally ate a chicken parmigiana at work..(pause)... it was free...yeah sorry (hangs up)
me: how do you accidentally eat a chicken parm? do you fall on it and it just gets into your mouth?
friend: well no..
me: was she mad?
friend: no..well she accidentally ate a tub of ice cream before dinner hte other day so she knows how it works.

friend is on the phone with his gf which I can' t hear the other side of again.

friend: hey babe...no..yeah I won't have dinner with you...(pause)...yeah ..I kinda accidentally ate a chicken parmigiana at work..(pause)... it was free...yeah sorry (hangs up)
me: how do you accidentally eat a chicken parm? do you fall on it and it just gets into your mouth?
friend: well no..
me: was she mad?
friend: no..well she accidentally ate a tub of ice cream before dinner hte other day so she knows how it works.

I had been bugging my brother to get me businessweek from mile points

bro: do you still need the businessweek?
me: no i'm on a backlog. i get wall street journal, time, maxim, blender, forbes, wired, GQ, Inc., etc. and I have no time to read everything else
bro: what..do you go crap anymore
me: to read that much stuff and keep up I'd have to shit out my colon
bro: fine never mind

a friend of mine has a relatively notorious gf who doesn't know the concept of investing money. I overheard this on the phone so the pauses ore presumably her talking

friend: hey baby...remember those funds I wanted us to invest in.
(pause)
friend: yeah it's been up $800 since we started a few months ago.
(pause)
friend: it's been up $250 just this month.
(pause)
friend: Did i say it was up? I meant it's been down.
(hangs up)
friend to me: she was asking if we could use the $250 to buy a bag.